Releasing the Illusion of Control...

Let's face it, life can tired a person out!  Add in jobs, romance, lack of romance, friendship, parenting, being someone's adult child yourself, self-care, sleep, eating, and being "tired out" can just grow and grow.  

For many of us, as we feel more and more tired and thus more and more out of control or busy, we just try to do more in attempt to give the illusion (to ourselves and others) that we totally "have it all together."  However, maybe we should just release that illusion of control and instead, step back, take a deep breath, and decide what REALLY needs to happen right now? Don't put more on the to-do list, put more into deciding what to put on the to-do list and how to do those things in ways that keep us happy but don't drain us completely.  

Parenting means we have to care for ourselves and for our children.  We only have so much energy, so let's stop using that energy to give the illusion of control and rather use that energy to love on ourselves, our families, our passions, our joys, our learning.  

All Good Things,
     Britta 

Parenting with the End in Mind - Theirs Not Yours

This is going to be quick and sweet.  When we parent, in the toughest moments of discomfort, challenge, and testing, we must remember that we are parenting not only the 3 year old in front of us but also the 13 year old in front of us, the 23 year old in front of us, the 33 year old in front of us and … you get the point.  We have to remember to Parent With The End In Mind.  Discipline, love, structure, boundaries, empathy, behavior modification, all have to keep in mind we are trying to help a HUMAN grow up to be an adult, not just a toddler, child, or teen get through a rough moment, remember to take out the trash, or go to bed.   

Adulting is coming for our children and teens and what are we doing to help them adult well?  Are we parenting with the End In Mind or rather with the Moment We are Just Trying to Get Through as the focus of our actions? 

Like all goals, when we focus our strengths and actions around keeping the End in Mind, we react differently, we plan differently, we focus differently.  Next time you are struggling with how to react to a parenting moment, ask yourself, “What can I do here to help my child build skills such as empathy, organization, kindness, discipline, [fill in another quality here] to carry with them to the adult world.”  Perhaps it will change your parenting from survival mode to career planning.  Perhaps it won’t. Either way, it gives a moment for a breath and room for new ideas to help get through perhaps challenging times. 

For more tips on how to Parent with The End In Mind, contact Britta for a one-on-one appointment.  

Parenting is exhausting

Lots of things are exhausting: war, illness, family strife, parenting, watching t-ball for two hours... they are all just exhausting in totally different ways and cannot be compared equally.  Tonight, for me it is parenting, not just my children, but myself - just taking care of things.  It is 11:23 and I am knee-deep in accounting for the family business and I know I need some sleep so tomorrow, I can be present to my students in the classroom, my children after school, and my husband after work, and oh-yes, ME through all of it.  Deep breaths and drinking water help a lot.  So does time management and eating food - I am not even going to go so far as eating well - just eating will do the trick at this point in my life!  I have great abundance in love and support which help immeasurably as does reading tid-bits from other strung out parents because I like to know I am not in it alone because even as a parenting coach and educator, some days, my best is not really my best. 

So, with my parenting coach and educator hat on, I am here to say:

Please be gentle on yourself and on each other, and while going through the mire and the flowered fields of life, parenting, marriage, single-hood, work, and self-care remember to decide, "Is this worth my time and effort?" and if it is, give it  your all, and if it is not, give it up.

Accounting? It is worth my all, but my all ran out about 28 minutes ago and now getting a good night's rest is going to get my all (so tomorrow, those who need my presence can have it right there ready for them).

What will get your all and presence today, and what will be given up?

All Good Things,
     Britta 

Parents: No Need to Feel Guilty

Here is some support from INCAF (International Network for Children and Families) When we see choice, we see options, and we see more control. Read on for more.  -Britta  Parents: No Need to Feel Guilty One thing that saps our energy the most is feeling guilty. We feel guilty that we don't spend enough time with our kids, that we didn't get the laundry done, that we didn't bring homemade cupcakes to our child's school's birthday celebration. (Are you feeling tired yet? I am!) When we feel guilty ...we tell ourselves negative things about ourselves...I'm lazy, I am not a good mom, we compare ourselves to our friends and then we feel even worse...more tired and more drained. Parenting Practice: INSTEAD Take one thing that you feel guilty about. Ask yourself, "Is it true that I don't spend enough time with the kids? If yes, take action! Get your calendar out and make an appointment with your child to go bike riding or for a walk in the woods (you get the idea...it doesn't take a lot of time or a lot  of money.) If it is not true, let it go (sing the theme from Frozen boldly, at the top of your lungs) get your mind focused on something you love or brings you joy. Or if it is something you don't really want to do...don't do it or find some other way to make it happen. Find some one who has time to make the homemade cupcakes! Guilt not only saps your energy but it also hangs over you like a dark cloud and makes you a not fun person to be around. In addition, you tend to use guilt to motivate  other people around you like your kids or your spouse. Remember you have a choice. You choose what to dwell on. Pass this on to a friend who you could benefit from this.

International Network for Children and Families | INCAF.com (352)494-1581

Parenting in the New Year

Hello All!

2017 is here and with it, family, love, dinners, lunches, cut fingers, work meetings, dirty laundry, clean laundry (is it folded yet?!), and all the little bits and pieces in between.  That is to say:

Happy New Year to you!!!!

I have never been a Resolution sort of a gal, but this year, I resolve to write on this blog more.

Parenting is tough people. It is also amazing.  It stretches us, it crunches us, it loves on us.   If I had no children, I would sleep more and ski more and read more - it does not sound that glamorous, ok maybe it does, but anyway, I hope all of you in that boat have some fun and R&R for me!  In the mean time, I will keep my kids and keep working on patience, empathy, unconditional love and redirecting children's behavior without anger, harsh words, or underhanded punishment.

Let the new year roll!

Good Things,
Britta

Active but Not as Active...

Hello everyone!  I have decided to return to the Public School Classroom to teach Family and Consumer Sciences in Gunnison, Colorado.  Due to this transition, I will not be as active in Parenting Education and Coaching.  If you would like to contact me, I am still totally excited and willing to work one-on-one with clients as well as leading educational events for groups. 

The fastest route to me right now is brittahubbard@gmail.com or you can call or text 970-445-8079.  

Good Things, 
       Britta

Free Parenting Event at the Wood River YMCA 5/25/2016

Britta will be visiting the Wood River YMCA on May 25, 2016 4:45 - 6 pm to talk about GEMS, Genuine Encounter Moments, as well as have a Q & A session about parenting and parenting support.  This event is free and open to the public.  Please come!  

Screenagers the Movie - Go see it if you can!

This week, in The Wood River Valley, the movie Screenagers is showing.  There is a free showing at Community Campus Monday, April 11, 6 - 7:30.  I am writing to encourage everyone to go to this movie.  If you follow the movie link, you can see if there is a movie playing in your community if you don't live in along the Big Wood.  If there is no movie showing in your community, you can become the one to bring it to your community!  

Although the movie focuses on screens and teens the information presented is ideal for anyone who has or works with children/youth of any age.  Screens and kids is such a big deal in parenting right now, and this movie presents research, support, ideas, and the like for all of us.  

Hope you can make it!  

Good Things,

    Britta 

Remember to Play

I have not written in months.  Quite frankly, I have been busy  recreating (as in outdoor sport not making new), Holiday-ing, being sick, taking care of the sick, gawking at October - January household spending, and generally just trying to check things off various to-do lists. Don’t even get me started at looking at world issues and faith concepts and how I integrate those into our daily lives, knowledge, and compassion centers.  How does one explain such violence to children who have never seen true violence?

Anyone else on this same life train?

Some moments I find myself feeling a bit guilty for recreating too much and maintaining daily life too little, but then I remember it is a special snow year and who knows what next year will bring, next week, tomorrow?  I am living in the here and now, and my here and now wants to be outside playing.  I have been listening to it.  Listening to it, while also getting the minimum amount done for our daily lives to work.  

Cuddling - I have been doing that too, our children at 6 and 10 seem to be turning into adults before our eyes.  So I take cuddling at any turn I can, even if it means a less healthy packed lunch, breakfast for dinner again, or me moving beds 3 times a night. Oh, and extra cuddle bonus last night, cleaning up vomit and then cuddling sick child.  I love my two babies!!!

So far this winter, I have learned to follow my heart in what I want and need to get done and where my soul wants to be in space.  I canceled my Y membership, waxed by skis (ok my husband did this for me!), and am trying to do the various PTs I have at home with only a small about of success but I will take any success I can get because some is better than none.

So mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, be gentle with yourselves, take care of your fun factor, minimize your to-do factor, and remember to play.  Don’t forget to play with the kids in your life as well - they need it, you need it.  Adult time is important but family time is too, partner time, kid time, various combinations of people you love and adore time so take time and make it happen.

Happy Big Snow Year!  

Good Things,

    Britta 

November 11th Parenting Workshop

Hello All! Join us for 

a Night Out 

on Wednesday November 11

Evenings Topic: 

Inadequacy  - "I can't..."

This class will discuss inadequacy and what to do when children suffer 

from the I can’t syndrome.  

Redirecting Children's Behavior outlines 4 "Mistaken Goals" that shed light on inappropriate behavior, why it might be occurring, and how to defuse and avoid it.  

The Mistaken Goals are:

• Inappropriate search for power (aka Power Struggles)
• Inappropriate attention seeking  (doing anything it takes to get attention)
• Inadequacy (the "I can't" syndrome)
• Revenge (I hate you!  You never do anything nice for me!) 

When:  Tuesday, November 10, 6:00 - 8:00 pm

Where:  151 Bordeaux St, in West Ketchum  -  Hosted by Allison Connelly

What to bring:  $20, an appetizer or beverage to share, and your wonderful self!

Cost: See "What to bring" 

Who’s invited? Moms, aunts, grandmothers, teachers, coaches … Anyone working with children and/or youth

Why come? Parenting and working with children is one of the hardest jobs with the least amount of training any of us will ever do.  Come for new perspective on “bad behavior,” to add to your working with kids toolkit, and to have an evening away from home with lots of other lovely ladies!  Really, WHY NOT COME?

RSVP Required

Call, text, or email

Britta Hubbard

970-445-8079

rcbwithbritta@gmail.com

Your job: Raising kids who can live on their own.

Upcoming Evening Parent Support Events

Upcoming Evening Events:

Parenting and Children Professional Panel  -  Wednesday, November 4^th

Inferiority! AKA:   I can’t!!!!!!  -   Tuesday, November 10^th

See below for more information on both classes.

Wednesday, November 4^th - 
Childhood Development and Parenting Professional Panel

This event will host a number of local experts in the fields of childhood development and parenting.  Come for the free Community Dinner at 6 and then enjoy the event from 6:30 - 8ish.  Childcare provided!  No need to RSVP

When:  Wednesday, November 4, 6:00 - 8 pm 

Where:  The Presbyterian Church of the Big Wood at Saddle Road and Warm Springs

What to bring:  Just you, and come for free dinner at 6 o'clock as well!

Cost:  FREE!

Who’s invited? Anyone who would like to learn from the expert panel

RSVP Required for Childcare only

Call or email Carrie at Big Wood Church 
to Reserve a spot
622-0548
carriek@pcbw.org

November 11^th - 
Inadequacy   

This class will discuss inadequacy and what to do when children suffer from the I can’t syndrome.  

Redirecting Children's Behavior outlines 4 "Mistaken Goals" that shed light on inappropriate behavior, why it might be occurring, and how to defuse and avoid it.  

The Mistaken Goals are:

• Inappropriate search for power (aka Power Struggles)
• Inappropriate attention seeking  (doing anything it takes to get attention)
• Inadequacy (the "I can't" syndrome)
• Revenge (I hate you!  You never do anything nice for me!) 

When:  Tuesday, November 10, 6:00 - 8:00 pm

Where:  151 Bordeaux St, in West Ketchum  -  Hosted by Allison Connelly

What to bring:  $20, an appetizer or beverage to share, and your wonderful self!

Cost: See "What to bring" 

Who’s invited? Moms, aunts, grandmothers, teachers, coaches … Anyone working with children and/or youth

Why come? Parenting and working with children is one of the hardest jobs with the least amount of training any of us will ever do.  Come for new perspective on “bad behavior,” to add to your working with kids toolkit, and to have an evening away from home with lots of other lovely ladies!  Really, WHY NOT COME?

RSVP Required

Call, text, or email

Britta Hubbard

970-445-8079

rcbwithbritta@gmail.com

Halloween Tips for Parents

Hello all!  This just in from the founder of International Network for Families and Children on tips for a safe and fun Halloween.

This just in from me, Britta:  Remember - Halloween is supposed to be fun. Don't string yourselves or your kids out too much and a little candy once in a while won't damage anyone too much.  Have the kids chew Trident or Spry gum after eating candy and the Xylitol in those gums will help bring their mouth environment to a neutral base which will help prevent cavities  (That is what Dr. Ben Franz DDS says!)

-Britta

Parenting Tip:  Top 7 Halloween Tips For Parents Halloween can either be fun and exciting or become a Halloween Horror night. Getting as much candy as you can seems to be the goal of the night. Although fun,  it can often leave our families feeling empty even when our bags are full. Here are some tips to make Halloween more joyful and satisfying. Make sure your child eats a healthy meal. Consuming massive doses of sugar without eating a healthy meal prior to trick or treating is a prescription for disaster. Make Halloween a family holiday. Instead of allowing your children go off with friends, go trick or treating as a family. (You can invite friends to go along.) This allows older children to still be able to trick or treat without feeling guilty! Let older children paint the faces of younger children. What a great way for them to bond! Create memories. Your kids won't remember or even care about the candy 5 years from now. But they will remember memories that were silly or bonding. One family decided to have different family members dress up like one of the seven dwarfs. They will be laughing about this for years to come. As you go through the day, ask yourself, "Is this fun or is this stressful?" If your answer is stressful, stop what you are doing and find a way to make it more fun. For example, if your child gets fussy, maybe it's time to go home rather than try to work through it. Don't let your need for perfection ruin your holiday. Is having that last curl be perfect worth the tension perfection creates? Lighten up! This is suppose to be fun! Emphasize connection vs. consumerism.  Talk with your kids about connecting with their neighbors as they go trick or treating. Rehearse  with your children BEFORE you leave for Halloween. Have them practice saying "Thank you!" "Are you having fun to night?" Or "What was the funniest Halloween costume you have seen tonight?" before launching off to the next house. Don't bicker for days after Halloween with your children about eating candy. Instead, donate extra candy to our troops atOperation Shoebox. This will help your kids feel like they are making a contribution to making someone's life a little more bright. By Kathyrn Kvols, Redirecting Children's Behavior kkvols@mac.com

Misbehavior at your house? Don't Get Even, Get Curious.

Have you seen the video floating on Facebook of the woman who finds her two toddler age children with an empty 5 pound bag of flour and a living room coated it white fine powder?  The video is about 3 minutes long and you can hear the woman tour her living room saying, "Oh my gosh." over and over and over.  Her mantra for staying calm.  

Near the end she says, "It's like a snowman puked all over my living room."  

At one point her youngest, maybe about 1 1/2 years old, shows her the empty bag and says, "See? See? See?"  

"Ya, I see," she replies calmly, "you emptied the whole thing."  Then he toddles off proud and happy as can be.

I watched the video with my father-in-law recently, and we both laughed and were amazed at her calmness. Now, what happened as she got off camera who knows, but her ability to breathe through the apparent "destruction" of her living room while also speaking to her children calmly and with humor and love amazed me. It made me think of the different perspective we have as parents when compared to our children's perspective in these types of situations.  

This woman sees her couches ruined, her floor a mess, her vacuum looking at being clogged, her walls needing to be wiped down, and so forth.  The kids, as is evident in the video, see the most fun floor slide and drawing material of all time.  They have been extremely creative with their use of flour and are amazed at its ability to soar through the air, fluff on the couch, and move on the floor.  

"Wow!" The kiddos think with amazement.

"Wow," the mama thinks with amazement.

And yet, those two wows and those two feelings of amazement sit inside them in such different ways.  

This mama took something that could have made her irate and instead approached it with calm and I hope curiosity.  Curiosity to see her children did not mean to destroy anything, they did not mean to make her day bad, they did not mean to leave her in a state of shock. They did mean to be curious, creative, and have a ball.  

We all can remember this woman when our children "misbehave," act out, or do something we see as crazy. Like her, we can remember to get CURIOUS. 

• What did they discover and learn? 
• What were they seeking and did they find it?  
• What were they thinking?  (and then actually attempt to figure out what they were thinking rather than what we wish they were thinking!) 

This curiosity can calm the storm inside and gives a chance to connect heart to heart about what the child's actions were really all about.  

After curiosity, we can move into action - talking, cleaning, making limitations for the future, having the child help fix the problem, etc.   For example, in the case of this flour, support their curiosity, but also have  natural consequences take effect in requesting help cleaning up and then putting specific boundaries around the flour.  

For example:

"Wow!  I can see you really had fun decorating the living room with flour!  Hmm.... but I have a problem, I don't want the living room decorated with flour. Can you help me solve my problem?"  

"We can clean up!"  

"Indeed, let's collect the broom and vacuum and start cleaning, and in the future, the flour can be used for cooking and not for decorating."   

Verses:

"AAAAAHHHH my living room!  What are you two doing?  Go to your room, you have destroyed this living room!"  

Which conversation would you want to have put into your face?  Which creates connection, learning, and comes from a place of "I love you no matter what."?

Curiosity helps us understand our relationships better, our role in them and how to feed them more completely.  

Next time your kiddos (or someone else in your life) are driving you nuts, get curious about what they are after rather than mad for what they are doing.  You will be amazed at what you learn and how you different the situation is handled.  

See the Flour Video here: Its like a snowman puked all over my living room!

Good Things,

      Britta

Seeing Blame for What It Is Changes Everything

Recently I sent  Dr Brene Brown's video "Blame" to a variety of clients and friends, about a week later, one of those friends and I were chatting and she commented on how the video had caused change in her family.  She and her son watched it together and it had become a conversation topic around their house during the week and both of them had caught themselves or others blaming. They talked about how it "wasn't Steve's fault" in the video and could translate that reality into their own lives and relationships.  She also shared that many times she had said things like, "It's not your bike's fault you crashed." or "It's not your skis fault you fell," but not until the video made the event outside of her son did he really get it.  Steve still comes up in conversation for them and therefore the acknowledgement of blame and thus responsibility in their own actions and conversations.  Wow!

I wonder how seeing that video during elementary school can change the children in that family? What will their relationships look like in the future?

Since then, a client commented on how amazing the video was and how she is totally a blamer and wants to change to become more responsible for actions.

I wonder what that change will look like for her and for her family?

I would like to think the conversations and changes can keep happening in these homes and then translate out into their future and thus into our own families' futures.  Little changes across the community can and will change the whole community.

If you were one of those who watched the video already, how has it affected you?  If you haven't watched yet, please do so, and then let me know what you think and how you live life afterward.


What I can say for myself and blame is this:
Many mornings in 2014, my children were late to school. I tried desperately to blame this on my children; I know, it sounds ridiculous on paper.   However, as I saw myself trying to shame them with blame and take as little blame on myself as possible, I realized how irresponsible I was being. Although certainly there are things the boys could (and could not) do to help us get out of the house, often the weakest link was, you guessed it, ME!

After I realized this, my emotions calmed and I just started giving grace to myself and the boys and talked about the team effort needed to get out of the house and not individual effort.  I increased my words of celebration on the days we were on time rather than just using words of frustration on the days we were late.  I got up earlier to take care of myself so I could better care for the boys which often translated to also going to bed slightly earlier to make up the difference.  I organized the front hallway so they had clear places for their school items, set up routines allowing for the unpacking of lunches and bags at the end of the school day rather than in the morning, created "sports bags" to handle any sports related items that needed to travel to school, and also kept closer tabs on what was in the kitchen to make breakfast and lunch making more efficient.  It was a whole day effort for me to work towards being more responsibly in the morning, not blaming my kids because my choices were allowing us to be late, and changing my view of us as a team and not the mom or kid's only show.

Yes, I was still late a fair amount and bless the staff at our elementary school for not kicking us out, but our lateness was different.  It was less stressful and certainly less blame oriented.

I was introduced to Dr. Brown's video after my morning experience shift, but the video solidified the feelings I have had in blame and the feelings I have had out of blame and the video continues to support a new theory I learned in the last year and a half: Blame is, for sure, not the answer. However, taking responsibility in the event, feeling my feelings around the event, and/or moving to change, perspective shift, or communicate about the event are all solid answer options for me.


Good Things,
       Britta 

Hello All! Joins us for 

Ladies' Night Out 

on Tuesday May 19!

The Evening’s Topic: 

Inappropriate Attention:  

Why do kids do it and how do I make them stop?

When:  Tuesday, May 19, 6:00 - 8:00 pm

Where:  112 Larkspur in The Heatherlands.  Hosted by Hollie Smart.

What to bring:  $20, an appetizer or non-alcoholic beverage to share, and your wonderful self!

Who’s invited? Moms, aunts, grandmothers, teachers, coaches … Any women working with children and/or youth who have watched these young folk struggle for attention in inappropriate ways.

Why come? Parenting and working with children is one of the hardest jobs with the least amount of training any of us will ever do.  Come for new perspective on “bad behavior,” to add to your working with kids toolkit, and to have an evening away from home with lots of other lovely ladies!  Really, WHY NOT COME?

RSVP Required

call or text

Britta Hubbard at 970-445-8079