Recently I sent Dr Brene Brown's video "Blame" to a variety of clients and friends, about a week later, one of those friends and I were chatting and she commented on how the video had caused change in her family. She and her son watched it together and it had become a conversation topic around their house during the week and both of them had caught themselves or others blaming. They talked about how it "wasn't Steve's fault" in the video and could translate that reality into their own lives and relationships. She also shared that many times she had said things like, "It's not your bike's fault you crashed." or "It's not your skis fault you fell," but not until the video made the event outside of her son did he really get it. Steve still comes up in conversation for them and therefore the acknowledgement of blame and thus responsibility in their own actions and conversations. Wow!
I wonder how seeing that video during elementary school can change the children in that family? What will their relationships look like in the future?
Since then, a client commented on how amazing the video was and how she is totally a blamer and wants to change to become more responsible for actions.
I wonder what that change will look like for her and for her family?
I would like to think the conversations and changes can keep happening in these homes and then translate out into their future and thus into our own families' futures. Little changes across the community can and will change the whole community.
If you were one of those who watched the video already, how has it affected you? If you haven't watched yet, please do so, and then let me know what you think and how you live life afterward.
What I can say for myself and blame is this:
Many mornings in 2014, my children were late to school. I tried desperately to blame this on my children; I know, it sounds ridiculous on paper. However, as I saw myself trying to shame them with blame and take as little blame on myself as possible, I realized how irresponsible I was being. Although certainly there are things the boys could (and could not) do to help us get out of the house, often the weakest link was, you guessed it, ME!
After I realized this, my emotions calmed and I just started giving grace to myself and the boys and talked about the team effort needed to get out of the house and not individual effort. I increased my words of celebration on the days we were on time rather than just using words of frustration on the days we were late. I got up earlier to take care of myself so I could better care for the boys which often translated to also going to bed slightly earlier to make up the difference. I organized the front hallway so they had clear places for their school items, set up routines allowing for the unpacking of lunches and bags at the end of the school day rather than in the morning, created "sports bags" to handle any sports related items that needed to travel to school, and also kept closer tabs on what was in the kitchen to make breakfast and lunch making more efficient. It was a whole day effort for me to work towards being more responsibly in the morning, not blaming my kids because my choices were allowing us to be late, and changing my view of us as a team and not the mom or kid's only show.
Yes, I was still late a fair amount and bless the staff at our elementary school for not kicking us out, but our lateness was different. It was less stressful and certainly less blame oriented.
I was introduced to Dr. Brown's video after my morning experience shift, but the video solidified the feelings I have had in blame and the feelings I have had out of blame and the video continues to support a new theory I learned in the last year and a half: Blame is, for sure, not the answer. However, taking responsibility in the event, feeling my feelings around the event, and/or moving to change, perspective shift, or communicate about the event are all solid answer options for me.
Good Things,
Britta
